With utmost apologies to David Letterman and the producers of CBS's "Late Show", here is my own sarcastic take on the ubiquitous former Alaska governor and Tea Party favourite's qualifications to be leader of the free world ; [done in Dave's iconic "Top 10 countdown list" fashion ].
Number 10. FOREIGN POLICY
All Sarah has to do is look out of her window and she sees Russia's paramount leader Vladimir Putin when he rears his ugly head. It's because of this proximity that they became good buddies and she has taught Putin a trick or three of her own. Like shooting moose from a moving helicopter.
Now, the autocratic Putin does the same thing to Russian activists and intellectuals. He shoots them from a moving helicopter.
Number 9. TERRORISM
The very moment Palin assumes the U.S. presidency, al-Qaeda will immediately suspend terror operations against the United States because they would feel sorry for Americans.
Number 8. ECONOMY
Sarah is a math genius on par with Albert Einstein. Sarah's mathematical formula for economic success reads-"tax cuts=revenue shortfall=higher deficit-spending=more borrowing from the Chinese government". Simplified, it is "more is less=less is more or translated in French-"WE ARE SO VERY FUCKED".
(do not do this at home; you're not a math genius)
Number 7. HOTNESS
Sarah Palin is one HOT BABY MOMMA ! And those eyeglasses make her look really smart n' cute. Especially when she winks at those dirty old white men registered republicans, who use the brains of their penises to vote.
(do not do this at home;you're not a math genius)
Number 6. MEDIA
Ms. Palin would be the first U.S. president with her own 'reality ' show. Produced by Donald Trump and titled- "Sarah Palin's White House", it will not only revolutionize American television viewing habits but change their own perception of the national leadership.
Half of Americans would just turn off the TV forever and start exercising, the other half would move to Canada, and the remaining half would shoot themselves in the foot.
So there we have three halves. (Sarah is my math tutor)
Number 5. Did I mention she's hot ?....well, it's worth mentioning again (besides, I'm running out of ideas)
Number 4 THE TODD PALIN FACTOR
Todd Palin would make an excellent first lady. (besides, I'm running out of ideas)
Number 3. WOMEN'S ISSUES
Sarah Palin would become the first American 'GURL' president. (Unless you consider Jimmy Carter a woman.)
This would be historic for the United States (like JFK and catholicism or Obama and socialism). It would also be a monumental moment for American women despite the fact that Sarah Palin opposes equal-pay legislation based on gender and Roe v. Wade; the U.S. Supreme Court decision that grants a constitutional guarantee on an American woman's right, among others, to her own privacy.
Number 2. GOD
Sarah Palin believes that America was founded on corporate tax cuts. And God. As Jesus had said (in one of his blogs) and I quote:
"BLESSED IS THE CORPORATE CEO; FOR HE SHALL HAVE MULTIPLE SWIMMING POOLS IN HIS SUMMER HOME IN THE HAMPTONS, WHICH HE WOULD ONLY INHABIT TWICE A YEAR". Amen.
And the number one reason why Sarah Palin would make a really, really super-duper great president-
Number 1. JOBS
When President Sarah abolishes the Department of Education and cuts public education funding to around 0%, Americans would be too illiterate and stupid to complain when she rolls back the minimum wage to 5 cents on the hour.
This though, would position American manufacturing companies to steal away those massive and lucrative 'sweat shop/child labour' operations in China and India; thus allowing companies to hire uneducated American children thereby, putting Americans back to work.
And President Sarah Palin would take all the credit in bringing home AMERICAN JOBS; back where they belong.
In America (dammit). And Sarah Palin could only happen here. ONLY IN AMERICA.
No comments:
Post a Comment